The Invisible Load

A Non-Blaming, Non-Divisive Take On a Complicated Convo

The other week, I posted a video that has (as of today) 35 Million views on Instagram and 20 Million views on TikTok. The video has been shared over 500,000 times between the two platforms with over 40,000 comments. What was I doing in that video?

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A post shared by @kiergaines

I told my 7-year-old daughter to give my wife some space while urging my wife to rest her bones after she volunteered to complete an unimportant task in the middle of washing and drying her own hair. At first, this moment didn’t seem remarkable to me, but the overwhelming response made me realize how rare these conversations still are—and how much they resonate. 

For years, women have been vocal about their frustrations with the burden of carrying the invisible load. If you don’t know, the invisible load refers to the unseen emotional, mental, and logistical duties that a person often carries in a romantic partnership, often without sufficient help from their partners. The chief complaint that I get is this–men simply are not doing enough.

This is a frequent point of frustration with the couples that I counsel, and the solution is never as simple as telling the man to pitch in more. The underlying roots for this imbalance often run deep. The rationale for some men span from adhering to more traditional views of the division of household labor to a contrast in what they define as essential compared to their partner. No matter how you chop it, this conversation isn’t yielding great results.

This has been my contribution to a solution (bars).

The Tale of Two Conversations

As a professional healer, active father, egalitarian partner and stereotypically masculine dude, the mental load conversations online rarely strike me as useful (hear me out). In couples counseling sometimes, It’s hard to fit both venting frustrations and solution-finding into a single conversation—they often require separate moments for reflection and action. Venting frustrations leads to reflection, while solution finding lends itself to a more instructive conversation around next steps.

In the “invisible load” conversations that I've heard, I’ve gained so much from women’s insights. Some of which have kindled me to be more reflective about the ways that I pull up to my own relationship. The following more instructive conversation is where this thing falls apart.

There has been an unfair history of over-dependence on the dutiful woman that makes this a complex conversation to have. While the “you see what needs to be done, so do it” argument is fair, it doesn't touch the heart of the issue in a lot of my sessions. Taking over dinner or the dishes is incredibly helpful, but it’s a stronger gesture than it is a long-term solution. 

When it comes to the “Invisible Load,” the challenge lies in its very nature—these tasks aren’t immediately obvious or easy to address. Taking over more logistical and burdensome responsibilities often means navigating complex and emotionally charged tasks that aren’t straightforward–you can’t just see and do these things as easily. Asking my wife to explain what she needed to be done only added to her burden, and when my efforts didn’t seem to alleviate her stress, it left me feeling frustrated and discouraged.

With time, we got better through frequent conversation and hashing out the individual vs. collective ownership of tasks. But I know this isn’t easy. I’ve counseled so many amazing couples who really struggle getting to this place, often because there is so much more “stuff” in the way.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

So, How Do We Figure it Out?

In the coming weeks, I’ll roll out a three-part series diving into the invisible load in relationships. This isn’t about quick fixes or surface-level gestures, and I know this isn’t an easy topic to navigate. The invisible load is layered with history, expectations, and emotional weight that require more than quick fixes or surface-level gestures. It’s about recalibrating the dynamics of care, respect, and responsibility in a partnership—work that is deeply personal and requires patience, introspection, and a willingness to grow.

So as a man, a married man, and someone deeply invested in this conversation, I created this series to offer insight into how men’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences play into the invisible load. My goal is to make this both helpful for partners and meaningful for women—providing tools to better understand, communicate, and navigate this dynamic together.

Here’s what you can expect:

• Part One: We’ll unpack the “idiot dad” trope—a frustrating stereotype that undermines men while reinforcing outdated dynamics in relationships.

• Part Two: Practical steps men can take to step up and truly lighten the load in meaningful ways.

• Part Three: How women can ask for and receive support while gaining a deeper understanding of their partner’s perspective in this ongoing conversation.

This series is about bridging the gap between reflection and action, offering both partners tools to address the invisible load in ways that strengthen relationships and foster deeper trust. I look forward to walking through this with you—let’s get started.